The Upside Down

I never liked being held upside down as a child, but for some reason, it’s what every adult did for fun at the time. Friends of my parents would come over and they’d hug me, and then pick me up and hold me by my ankles. I would scream bloody murder, yelling for them to put me down. Once my feet felt the sturdy floor again, I’d run away, wary of that person from then on. I can still feel the terror I experienced during those moments. It was like at any moment the entire world could come crashing down, or moreso, I would. I recently tried to do a backbend. I could only do one for a short period of time in competitive dance, and that was only for one dance. I forgot it soon after, or at least didn’t practice it regularly. Truth was, I was terrified of bending backwards until I was completely upside down. That feeling stuck with me, and it took several coaches and dance-mates to help me through it. I think that’s why I was never a cheerleader. Those flips terrified me. It’s like my body just freezes even thinking about them. I also realized that’s how I feel about any sort of change. When I’ve changed jobs in the past, when I’ve taken on a new responsibility at work, when I’ve had a new boss, when I’ve lost something, when I’ve graduated, etc. All of those factors that are out of my control, make me feel like I’m in the arms of one of my parents’ friends again. Dangling above the ground, fearing my whole life will end or change for the worse. It rocks my entire epicenter, making me feel like I’m going to drop at any second, unable to make things feel normal again, make things feel peaceful again. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to be able to form new normals, going through life loving each learning experience, loving each new thing that molds and grows me. I want to break out of my fear and finally dive head first, gliding into the upside down.